Motherhood - What I Didn't Expect

My sweet baby is 17 months old now and I can honestly say I didn't expect 70% of what motherhood actually is... I didn't realize that for at least the foreseeable future, I wouldn't be able to wake up and get out of bed by choice or that my own mind would play tricks on me in early postpartum. Reality(or not?) hits hard when you wake up looking for your baby that you know is sound asleep in the room next to you but searching your bed and house anyway due to an aching feeling that your baby has been left somewhere. Or "hearing" your baby cry, even when your own eyes are watching her sleep beautifully in her crib. What I did not expect was driving through the Starbucks drive-thru with breast pumps on and my sweatshirt pulled behind my head to keep the cords from tangling... and yes, I got all the way through before I realized why the kid giving me my coffee looked like he saw the offspring of Go-Go Gadget and Doc Brown. What I did not expect was to see everyone else move on with life after my baby was born and feeling like my feet were stuck in cement a universe away.

The other day, I asked my husband, "Can you believe we are here? Like watching a movie together with a clean kitchen AND we both got to shower by 9:30pm?" The thrill was like I had just won a tournament and had one leg up on the world. Like we had solved a complex riddle and celebrated with some homemade peanut butter oatmeal bars. It was then that I looked in the mirror and understood that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The light was hearing my husband laugh again after watching the woman he loved being so deeply impacted by post-partum but not knowing what to do. The light was being able to train jiu-jitsu again without watching the baby monitor on my phone every chance I broke away from practice. The light was showering 3 days in a row again. To all the new parents out there, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, you will feel that hope again. Yes, it gets better in all the ways it needs to! If you're having some dark or scary feelings during post-partum, you are not alone in spirit. Remember, when you are up at 3am feeding the baby, silently crying and feeling the most alone you've ever been, there is someone somewhere in the world, up with you, rocking to the same rhythm as you, praying over you. Take the chance to pray over them too! If you need some more comfort and love reach out to someone, anyone, or click the e-mail icon on the home page. You are not alone!

The brighter side of what I didn't expect:

Oh the healing... Which has been the most surprising part. Having my baby forced me into such a deep reflection of my inner child and how I was currently viewing the world along with those in it. I thought I had done a lot of work on myself emotionally through therapy, but this was something I personally couldn't have experienced without having my daughter. Becoming a mother taught me how to truly forgive my younger self and to give grace to the woman I currently am.

The bright side of what I didn't expect was waking my husband up with our giggling baby holding his glasses. It is hearing her scream "mama!" when I walk into a room after being gone 2 minutes or 2 hours. The bright side has been watching our parents on both sides of our family become first time grandparents... The brightest side has been finally allowing God to lead me and my spirit rather than trying to rely on my own understanding of what this experience on earth "should" be. This is better than I ever could've imagined and I pray that every new parent gets to see/feel the light!

Sincerely,

Lacey Snow